Category Archives: Life.

words

i’m naturally quiet. partly because i’m shy. but mainly because i think words are used far too much. i live and breathe words but people just seem to use them willy nilly. a poem is as much its pauses as its words. what’s wrong with silence? i hate small talk. i hate most vapid conversation. of course not everything has to be metaphysics and poetry… i just hate vapidity i suppose.

oh and partly because i know half the things that come out of my mouth interest no one but me. like that. i think so much, far too much. i spend hours at night thinking about these things. there are so many things running through my head at any given moment. this tends to manifest in me rambling. rambling about my plans to kidnap patrick wolf. rambling about my plans to marry a russian man and live ona  potato farm and make vodka. rambling about my plans to be a romance novellist. rambling about my Fascinating Theories on female sexuality, the value of kindness, the importance of passion, the issue of body image and size in our society… etc.etc.

so i guess its a bit of a paradox. at once i don’t use words enough, because i am quite shy, and i’m constantly afraid of making a fool of myself. and i use words far too often.

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say it

“say it. say, i am beautiful. say it like you believe it, like you should.”

people pass in and out of our lives. you can know someone for three years and scarcely remember them. you can know someone for two weeks and love them. you can meet someone one night and somehow they make a huge impact. and they probably will only vaguely remember you. but that doesn’t really matter.

i never really believe people when they say i’m beautiful. i assume there’s some ulterior motive. well, not necessarily ulterior. although generally i think when boys say it they are just trying to compel me to sleep with them. when my friends or my mum says it i assume its out of obligation. i can think of specific instances when somebody has said it and i believed it.

once my mum said it, and they passion, the conviction she said it with; i had to believe her. the sadness- why can’t you see you are beautiful?

once this guy said it. “i think you’re beautiful.” the moment was perfect. wonderful. it all got very complicated in the end. we don’t talk anymore. but that i believed he thought i was beautiful… well it catalysed in me a new found confidence.

a month or so ago i met this irish guy in newtown. he was the one who wanted me to say i was beautiful. people know if you don’t think you’re beautiful. rarely do guys you meet at 2:30am at bars on a wednesday much care. he was very sweet. he comforted me because i ended up quite upset,  since we had an in depth talk. i also got that once from an english backpacker. not the crying part. the saying i seemed too shy, that i was gorgeous and i should let go and have fun.

i hope one day i will say, “I am beautiful” without a silent except for this, and this, and this. no qualifiers. no, beautiful inside maybe. i don’t think i’m ugly. i’m just… afraid? i don’t know. i’ll always be insecure. most women are.

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kill all the boys with their fucked up noise

i am one of those people who attract complications. intense feelings (because you will never meet anyone as intense as i am) of passion, of hurt. heartbreak. the overwhelming majority is my own nature; a nature by far too sensitive, too fragile, too inclined to loving and hurt, too intense, too desperate, too romantic, too afraid of being alone… too afraid of a cold and lonely winter.

i live in my own world in a sense. i live simultaneously in the past and the future and the present; i live to make memories, good and bad. i live to create experiences, experience that can become a vast resevoir from which to funnel my creativity. i am terrified of mediocrity. i intend to live, and hell, do so now to degrees, always alert, always creating, always loving, always hurting, always reflecting. i want to live a thousand lives in the single one i have. i want to travel the world, i crave adventure.

hell, i thrive on complications.

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“psychic hearts”, originally by thurston moore (from sonic youth) but covered so beautifully by cat power, is one of those songs that i always listen to when i’m upset. it has this bizarre effect of pacifying me, there’s some abstract comfort. cat power’s voice is so raw and passionate, and the lyrics (which i know off by heart) spin a fucked up romance i just adore. there is always something in the song i relate to on some visceral level (save the bits about the parents- mine are wonderful!)

particularly the ‘sadness is and sadness was…’ stanza. always gets me!

i think its power lies in not just my own direct experiences, that i can relate to this, but the intense desire i have to find someone who can also relate. some boy who could sing this, as both the mixed up kid it refers to, and the one who recongises how valuable it is to have felt those raw emotions, and who is sensitive and loving. empathy naturally comes to those whose emotions and passions run deep.

and the last stanza? is amongst my favourite words ever sung. and will always apply to everyone who has ever come through my life, for better or worse. my family, my best friends, my friends, my (ex-)lovers (also in the ‘we never even kissed but my god i liked you’ sense)… it will always apply to them.
I know you have a fucked up life
Growing up in a stupid town
Your mother was a mixed-up jerk
And your father he just fucked around

A little too much for his own good
I’d kill the bastard if I could
I’d kill all the boys with their fucked up noise
And all the bullshit they seem to enjoy

Kids in school
Call you slut
Nothing but
What the fuck are they into
Stupid fools
Losers assholes suck all the luck
Out of the world the world with you
If I can get it back to you I will
Kick their asses all over town
All over town I’ll turn it over

I don’t even know you that well
What the hell summer spell

What’s it like
Goin’ out
No-one knows what you’re about
Abused and used and cut in two
By hollow man that have nothing to do

Laugh all the time try to get high
And try to hide behind the lie

They fucked your head up
That’s for sure
Your heart is ripped now wrapped in fur
But you know that sex is pretty insane
And magic seems to kill the pain
And the things that go on inside your brain
Makes you seem to think that you’re to blame
Don’t think about it
Grow it out
Love em all and say it loud
Fight the scumbags that slap you around
Scream your crazy lost and found
We don’t have to tell you what is right
We have all the faith it was not right

Sadness is and sadness was
And sadness will always be because
Comfort comes around from the strangest of men

I got no time for sad songs baby
Don’t need you to say I’m crazy
Stick your tongue and you look at me
And I will bite it off you see
Push you down onto your knees
Do you laugh away your sleaze?

You’re not the only girl in town
But you’re the only one that’s got me down
Psychic hearts go out to you
Psychic heart go round to you

My prayer to you
Is that you do all the things you set out to do
And live your life the way you love
But will you remember one thing for me?
I will always love you
I will always love you

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TOMORROW

tomorrow!

TOMORROW

FUCKING TOMORROW

tomorrow is the much much much anticipated day when i move to sydney. every so often i’m like fuuuuuck, i’m scared! i’m terrified! but mostly, 99% of the time, i’m like holy shit this is going to be amaaaazing. its so exciting! it only really set in today, i kind of started crying.

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saw ellie for the first time in… a year! so good! fuck i love that girl. kewlest kid i know. it was weird, it was like we hadn’t even been apart, and even though we’ve both been through significant things that have surely changed us as people, we were just kinda… it was like old times. it sucks i’m missing her 18th and that she gets back just as i leave though.

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i’m impressed that this guy i met taught himself spanish merely because he was bored. and then he was trying to teach me but i was way too drunk, and then i think he was getting me to say dirty things in spanish.  i was slingin’ back vodka, lime and sodas literally all night. and i got given some dudes whiskey and cokes ha. a lot of dancing on my part occurred.

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its all so exciting, but i know its going to be hard leaving my friends and family behind. but the thing with ellie affirmed that when you care for people then even distance doesn’t have to necessarily mean the end of a friendship. and i think it’ll be a good thing to meet new people, go new places, and be reminded of how special what i’ve had is. and have stories to tell the girls! but i will miss them so much.

alanah, sam, emily, ellie,

I LOVE YOU ❤

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there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

so i haven’t posted photos in ages, thought i should.

back from when i was in newcastle

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this is the artist that accosted me… it was very awkward.

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i’ve walked past this creek thing a ridiculous number of times, and have always meant to take a photo of it. something about it always strikes me, especially when it has been raining or its overcast. and the day of this was, i guess, significant? walking into town as per normal, to clear my head, and fuck i did.

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i take for granted having my dinner cooked most nights. i take for granted having most things in my life done for me. it hit me, being sick, i’m not going to have my mum around for all the shit she does for me; the washing, the centrelink forms, the advice, the old “no, don’t wear that, it makes your arse look huge and you have a tiny arse! yo got some junk goin’ on in that trunk”. haha i love her. its going to be so weird! i’m going to miss her so much!

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they’re sad and young, and they’ll be sad and young forever

9th jan 2009

“are you happy right now?”

“yes.”

“no, i mean, in your life, right now, are you happy?”

“…yes. yes i am.”

so i realised, i am extremely happy with my life right now. soon i will be in sydney, as i’ve waited for, for so long. but even now, i’m doing things that i’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but couldn’t, physically or just mentally; things i wasn’t brave enough to do. things that don’t particularly garner much approval from my friends, which i understand, but things that make me happy.

wanting to be a writer, i think life experience is necessary. yeah, you  can write by living vicariously, but that doesn’t compare to being able to write authentically. hubert selby, he is my biggest inspiration. he had such a fucked up life and took that and wrote about fucked up things, but made them, through his own experiences, and his inner strength, and his innate talent, really beautiful.

my biggest fear is mediocrity and just the mundane. give me the fucked up, the crazy, the stupid.

this song epitomises, to me, the kind of life i dread.

cat power- ‘fate of the human carbine’

Thinks of money all the time
Doing it to annoy her
She’s on his conscience day and night
So he acts like her employer

They all come and peep through a hole in the wall
Keep the bastards guessing

He likes to take the long way home
It’s another fine decision
From six to seven he’ll be all alone
So he turns on televison
Doesn’t even notice as the hours roll by
Gets lost inside the screen
Watches the film about the evening sky
It was someone else’s dream

Oh come and peep through a hole
Keep the bastards guessing
All come and peep through a hole in the wall
Just to watch his heart undressing
They all come and peep through a hole in the wall
Because you look so impressive

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i spend too much time listening to indie pop and reading fashion blogs.

favourite song of the moment is ‘milk is politics’ by the deirdres, so damn catchy and fun! actually, this might be tied with ‘homeless club kids’ by my favorite, definitely have to find more of their music! they’ve got this great 80’s sound; this song just makes me want to dance (well, drunken sway dance in any case) while holding a cigarette in one hand and a glass of vodka in the other. the lyrics are really… i don’t know, they’re beautifully melancholy, i love it.

“homeless club kids” my favorite

When the dance floor’s full all the kids look so beautiful.

When the dance floor’s full all the kids look indivisible.

The disremembered stars of architectural disasters.

The disremembered stars as bright and lost as fireflies in jars.

Do you really want to stay amongst these starving stowaways?

Do you really want to stay lost?

When the dance floor clears, I take a pack of matches as a souvenir.

When the dance floor clears, I walk home alone with their voices still in my ears.

The ghosts of dead teenagers sing to me while I am dancing.

They’re sad and young, and they’ll be sad and young forever.

And I cry until I throw up.


also partial to ‘moscow nights’ by the feelies.

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truth and beauty bombs

26th dec 2008

best christmas ever i’ve decided.

normal family lunch, always fun. eating canapes and drinking expensive wine. eating ridiculous amounts of haloumi and cauliflower and cheese and hard sauce.

picnic + goon + white castello cheese + best people + drunk singstar+ passing out on evaan’s floor (as per normal).

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i’m such a sucker for foreign boys and boys with accents. and trying to get past language barriers is fun… trying to explain to the poor confused boy i dragged all around port as my protection what ‘all boys are assholes’ means.

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“one day you will ache like i ache”

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i got a post secret book, it is amazing, i couldn’t help but cry. just… fuck i love it, just people bearing their souls. it must be liberating.

some of my fav lj secrets i’ve collected 🙂

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i love this one so much.

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and this is like my secret, my way of looking at life.

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me

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this is actually the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, it makes me smile so much every time i read it.

happy

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a softer world is seriously the greatest thing ever, the photos, the words, just amazing. it makes me want to… live, to go out, to adventure, to keep being young and crazy and do stupid things and love and hurt and cry and laugh.

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and this one, i can’t stop smiling:

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