16th dec 2008

weallfloaton

“we all float on”

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less than 12 hours now.

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spent the afternoon at the library, got about 12 (no actually i just counted, 13) books out and happened to find a best of morrissey cd! technically i got 14, but i returned “decline and fall” by evelyn waugh after reading about 60 pages because it was so fucking boring and annoying. “paul pennyfeather? ohohohoh, *chuckle, chortle, strokes monocle*” seriously, i would much much much much MUCH rather read the history of the decline and fall of the roman empire by gibbon, and, as much as i love my gibbon, that’s not exactly easy reading. although i have read chapters of it and did enjoy it, so that statement might mean nothing. the point is “decline and fall” sucked and the reviewer who said it was the funniest thing they’d ever read obviously has no sense of humour or is the most pretentious person in the world. jane austen is more  hilarious.

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i got this book called “the use and abuse of history”, read a couple of chapters, its really fascinating… an interesting way of looking at Australian history. i haven’t even gotten to the history wars (a particular interest of mine) and it has me quite enthralled. the Nietzsche conceptions of different kinds of history are a very good way of looking at the importance of history in society.

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i’m such a nerd, seriously. i got a couple of fiction books (“i killed myself when i was five” is really good, it kinda reminds me of that book i hate “the curious incident of the dog in the night time”, because it is told from the perspective of an eight year old with a lot of problems, except it succeeds where the latter fails in making burt much more sympathetic and the tale more interesting and about a million times less irritating. i really really really hate that book. i also got a book of oscar wilde plays as i loved his ironic style in “the picture of dorian gray”. and some other stuff.) but mainly got non-fiction. three books on history (the one from before, one on the history wars i skimmed during exam period and one about like an intimate, humanistic vision of history) one on contemporary theorists i barely understand, seriously, i was reading the section on freud and half the things written just did not make sense. and i know quite a bit about freud’s theories: repression, the case of anna o, Oedipus complex, ego/ id/ superego are not foreign concepts to me, but my brain almost exploded. i’ll have to have some coffee and read it in the morning when my brain will be most likely to be able to absorb and comprehend it.  i got a book on euthanasia which i’ve actually looked at before, but i figured i might as well read properly. a book about post modernism and pop culture. seriously. nerd.

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i really enjoy allen ginsberg, i have discovered, “howl” is all sorts of wonderful. i also love the preface from William carlos Williams

“it is a howl of defeat. not defeat at all for he has gone through defeat as if it were an ordinary experience, a trivial experience. everyone in this life is defeated but a man, if he be a man, is not defeated.”

“…the wonder of the thing is not that [ginsberg] has survived but that he, from the very depths, has a found a fellow whom he can love, a love he celebrate without looking aside in these poems. say what you will, he proves to us, in spite of the most debasing experiences that life can offer a man, the spirit of love survives to ennoble our lives if we have the wit and the courage and the faith-and the art! to persist.”

“we are blind and live our blind lives out in blindness. poets are damned but they are not blind, they see with the eyes of angels.”

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i’m sitting here listening to my Morrissey cd. i’ve gone over, during the course of the day, about a million scenarios >6am tomorrow. good, bad. i figure there are going to be a couple of disappointing results but i’m hoping, HOPING, for a couple of good ones too… like my extension 1 english, extension history and modern history should be good exam and assessment results. my extension 2 assessment will probably fuck me, as will my ancient maybe a bit, but hopefully i will do well in the major and exam… god i’m so pensive about my extension 2 results.

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finally listened to wind in the wires. tres belle! oh my, Patrick wolf is just so amazing!

the libertine

The motorway won’t take a horse.
The wanderer has found a course to follow.
The traveller unpacked his bags for the last time.
The troubadour cut off his hand and now he wants mine,

(Oh, no )

Oh no, not me.

The circus girl fell off her horse, now shes paralysed.
The hitchiker was bound and gagged, raped on the roadside.
The libertine is locked in jail.
The pirate sunk and broke his sail.

But I still have to go,
I’ve got to go, so here I go,
I’m gonna run the risk of being free.

The magicians secrets all revealed.
And the preachers lies are all concealed.
And all our heroes lack any conviction.
They shout through the bars of cliche and addiction.

So I’ve got to go,
I’ve got to go, so here I go
I’m gonna run the risk of being free.

And in this drought of truth and invention, whooever shouts the loudest gets the most attention, so we pass the mic and they’ve got nothing to say except:

Bow down, bow down, bow down to your god.

Then we hit the floor, and make ourselves and idol to bow before.

Well I can’t,
And I won’t
Bow down,
Anymore…

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i had stress comforting macdonalds, bad choice when you feel sick. also my shower now runs out of hot water after like 5 minutes so my two great comforts failed me. now my comfort is music.

specifically right now my comfort playlist, i just made up.

number 1 song being “paper bag” by fiona apple

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on or wish on or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality, I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh, it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ’cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs
Too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Lookin’ for a little hope
Baby said he couldn’t stay, wouldn’t put his lips to mine
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said honey, I don’t feel so good, don’t feel justified
Come on, put a little love here in my void
He said it’s all in your head and I said ‘so’s everything’ but he didn’t get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh, it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ’cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs
Too much to love

Hunger hurts but I want him so bad, oh, it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess that he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs
Too much to love

Hunger hurts but I want him so bad, oh, it kills
Because I know that I’m a mess that he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving, it works when it costs
Too much to love

which is actually a rather sad song but fuck fiona apple is amazing and i want her voice. it simultaneously makes me happy and sad actually, its very close to my heart.

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so the comfort list… ended up being really long. and quite eclectic. it helped me find “we all fall in love sometimes” covered by jeff buckley, buried in my computer, under unknown artist… so that’s nice, i love that song, so pretty. and i could listen to his singing and talking voice forever, he has the sexiest talking voice too.

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7.5 hours

fuck.

i keep going to cry but… i don’t know, its such a weird feeling, this whole thing, its so imminent, so tangible yet so surreal. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to sleep, i’m so pensive. everyone expects me to get up at like 6am tomorrow and tell the whole world but i don’t want to, honestly, i just want to sleep til like 1pm and then just be alone.

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7.

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out of the races and onto the tracks!

i need to watch the rules of attraction again.

i love that film so.

i also love the rapture, i greatly enjoy their music.

pieces of the people we love.

Don’t try to tell me that my intentions are untrue.
My eyes like butterflies you caught ’em and they’re
open wide.
Clouded and hazy future clear whenever I’m with you.
Just think of all the things we could do to pass the
time.
It’s a walk in the park, it goes:

Na na na, na na na, na na na na na na.
Na na na, na na na, na na na na na na.

Cuz everybody’s got a little pieces of someone they
hide.
It’s okay, it’s the way we distract until the day that
we die.
And though our future’s gone uncertain it’s gonna be
alright.
Cuz though I’m leaving longing leaves me ever by your
side.

And all our time together is tearing me apart… I
can’t hold you tomorrow but I hold you in my heart.
And all our time together is tearing me apart… I
can’t hold out forever, but I hold you in my heart.

Don’t try to tell me that my intentions are untrue.
Don’t even bother tryin’ to tell me cuz you live a
lie.
Cuz a moment or a minute I can see it through.
And have a precious little second of you by my side.
It goes:

Na na na, na na na, na na na na na na.
Na na na, na na na, na na na na na na.

And our future’s lookin bright.
In all the little pieces of the people that we keep
inside.
Cuz you can do-make-say-think-laugh-sink-drink all
night…
All the little visions all the little moments that we
keep inside.

All our time together is tearing me apart… I can’t
hold you tomorrow but I hold you in my heart.
All our time together is tearing me apart… I can’t
hold out forever, but I hold you in my heart.

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does being able to see the good inside everyone make you an inherently good person? or is it merely a sign of naivety?

i tend to be able to see good in everyone, it comes more easily than seeing bad.

i quite like that in myself yet at the same time see it as a flaw.

i guess there are a lot of things i like in myself that are, in a sense, also flaws. but any trait can be good or bad i suppose.

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6.

6.

6 motherfucking hours!

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oh yes, thursday, i’m going to get a big cupcake!

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6… you know, fuck it, its gonna happen, i’m going to have to cope. what happens, happens. i know i didnt fuck up my exams. my mark will be fine.

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nearly 5. i’m just sitting here drawing. i want to sleep but i don’t. i’m really into this drawing… perhaps i’m finally mastering the touch pad? excellent.

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